1.Making judgments on parents before becoming a parent is now laughable to me. I don't judge the judgers. I was a judger. You just have NO IDEA what it's like to be a parent until you are one. I made endless declarations on the type of parent I would be. Some held true, but most were giant sacks of cluelessness. I am proud of my pre-parent-self for never getting mad at a baby or child on a flight, those people are dicks.
2. I will never let my child eat in the stroller, car, or ANYWHERE besides her highchair, or proper eating zone. The stains on our stroller and caked-in crumbs in the car seat crevasses will tell you otherwise.
3. My child will not listen to "kid" music, only "good" music. Nothing can prepare you for the joy you get from making your child happy. Sometimes that happiness comes in the form of listening to Wheels on the Bus 10,000 times in a row. And just an FYI, even the GREATEST song of all time can make you wanna blow your brains out after hearing it for the 4 billionth time.
4. No TV! Only classic films. Good luck getting your kids to sit through The Godfather.
5. My child will sleep in her bed, all night, as soon as we get home from the hospital. This is the biggest lie I've ever told myself. It's currently 10:30pm and I've just gotten my daughter her 5th cup of water. I'm going to need to get one of those hamster water feeders and a litter box for her crib if I ever want to sit through an entire episode of Homeland again.
6. My birth will be a beautiful, magical experience in a bathtub with mantras playing in the background and sage burning. This happened in my dreams, it was magical. In reality I was screaming at the people in the operating room, after having been in labor for three days, to "please, for the love of God, do me this one fucking favor and at least play my birth playlist while you cut me open." Pretty sure there were some mantras on that.
7. What's up with these kids snacking all the time, no wonder we have an obesity problem in America. I have literally never left the house without a snack in my bag.
8. I didn't have iPads or dvd players on road trips as a kid, my kids don't need that. They need to be board sometimes. Not if it involves putting my sanity at risk.
9. I'm going to make all my own organic baby food. Okay, so it's actually kind of cheaper and easier, just don't make other moms feel bad if they don't have the time to do that. Don't be a douche about it.
10. I will have a clean child, who is bathed daily and brushes her teeth twice a day. If I had more time I would invent a cookie toothbrush that they could eat but it would actually be doing the job of teeth brushing. Shark Tank, here I come!
My kid will be a well behaved angel in restaurants. Except for when they are throwing meatballs at your head or throwing a fit on the floor because you wouldn't let her put hummus in her ears.