© 2017 by Yer Mama

Ten Members Of The ULTIMATE Zombie Apocolypse Army

Ilana saved the day this week when she thought up this brilliant piece of brain teasing!

This is who Ilana and Megahn would want on their side during the zombie apocalypse.

1. Ilana's friend ERIN. Why? She's a nurse and takes three kids to the zoo on the regs. She's got this.

 

2. Han Solo...no, Indiana Jones...NO...HARRISON FORD! He's all those people plus Jack Ryan and he's a carpenter/Pilot.

3. Ilana's brother ARI. Chiropractor, weapon's hoarder, can climb a palm tree in a single bound. He thinks about the zombie apocalypse A LOT. That's why we can't live without him.

4. Sir Lancelot was the first choice here, but Megahn's husband brought up that he took down the round table with his adulterous, self-serving bullshit, so we brought in our second string....BRIENNE OF TARTH. She wields a sword like Lancelot, but she knows how to keep it in her pants.

5. PRESIDENT OBAMA. Hope. The Future. Our very existence depends on a well placed quote an a dream for our children.

6.EMPRESS JINGU of Japan. A 1st century female Samurai, she waited until her husband died to single handedly invade and conquer Korea. So, fuck yes!LIAM

 

7. KYLE SULLIVAN. He's hilarious and he can poke a hole in the best of plans. "You want to invade from the North? Great, that means you'll need fire....where you gonna get fire, dummy?"

8. HARRIET TUBMAN. She's tough. She made it. She saved hundreds, if not thousands of runaway slave. She's seen worse, dude. Zombies? Not a problem.

9. Can't believe we got this far without mentioning BEYONCE. Yeah, we know there's an extra ' over the "E," but we can't find it on the keyboard, we're not that smart. Beyonce is. Plus....Baseball Bat. Zombies will bow down before the Queen.

 

10. And finally, the incomparable EWAN MCGREGOR. He's on another list of Megahn's, but that's a different podcast. Megahn just feels like she'll need to spend the apocalypse focusing on true love. He also rides a motorcycle, just if anyone asks.

Ten Parents We Want To Interview

1. JK Rowling- She wrote "Harry Potter and the Scorcer's Stone".....during NAPTIME.  To be fair, she also smoked cigarettes, which helps.

 

2. Actress and Director Leonora Pitts- Because she's the mom you know who does everything right. We have access to her Facebook feed, so maybe it's not as great as it all looks, but it's a mystery we need to get to the bottom of.

 

3. Tina Fey- If we're really good moms and we work really hard, the interview fairies will come and show us Tina Fey's ical calendar.

 

 4. Author Jillan Lauren- She used to be in a harem and now she's a mom and an author....and not in a harem anymore. Because who has time now? P.S. Ilana has really cool friends.

 

5. Meryl Streep- She's not a friend, just FYI. Once it's agreed that you're the best actress in the world, does having a baby top that? Yeah. Right?

 

6. Rob Delany-We're all Facebook friends. Rob's retweeted Megahn and we're going to stalk him. Totally bragging and Men have children they take care of. Surprise!

 

7. Madonna ( the LIKE a virgin Maddona)- Again, Scheduling.

 

8.Writer Wendy Molyneux - This mama writes for "Bobs Burgers."  We'd like her to just open her mouth and start talking because she's raising a sweet lovely human person, while writing on a great TV show.

 

9. The other Madonna- The Virgin Mother. Megahn just wants to know if she ever played favorites. Because Jesus.

 

10.Michelle Obama- No, Ilana doesn't know her, but we all wish she was our mom, right (not really, mom, but you know what we mean)? Raising teenage girls in the Whitehouse? How mean do you have to get? REAL mean, right?

Ten Things That Would Make Any Parent Angry

1.  Getting a shoe thrown at your face while driving. 

True Story.

2. Getting bit on the nose on an airplane. 

True Story.

3. Relentless, unintelligible screaming. 

Or Whining. Or just talking and singing. Just two minutes of quiet....please.

4. When your kid wakes you up in the middle of the night to tell you about his day. 

I mean, I barely listen to my husband at 7:30pm when he tells me.

5. "I have to potty" at bedtime. 

We are suckers and they KNOW it.  NOBODY has to pee that much.

6. Just brushing their teeth. This makes Megahn so angry. 

But it's better than having them fake lock jaw like Ilana did when she was six. Seriously, It could be way worse.

7.  Asking your child not to dump something on the floor and then, while they are making eye contact, they slowly....ever so slowly...dump it out anyway. 

Like they are in the Mafia. Flames.....Flames on the side of my face!

8. That whole five minutes before the alarm thing (See our last TOP TEN list-Megahn can't get over it.)

9.  Grabbing your face like a jealous lover and saying, "You are not the boss...I am the boss." 

If you let this get to you, then GUESS WHO'S THE BOSS?

10. When your Kid takes off his diaper and puts it in the hamper like a good boy and then you forget and throw the hamper full of clothes in the wash...where that diaper explodes in the machine. 

This is another issue that Megahn can't seem to get over. So much anger, so little time. Jeez, Ma, get over it.

Ten Terrible Ways For A Parent To Spend Five Minutes

1. Wrestling your toddler’s shoes on while they scream in your face.
Please tell us how not to do this? shoe tricks? Anybody?

2. Trying to get your preschooler to brush his F’ing teeth
Just drug them. It’s easier.

3. Weeping over your iphoto library while you pretend to use the bathroom at work. 
 Why do we all feel the need to look at photos of our kids when our kids aren’t around?! Why?!

4. Going back in your kid’s room 87 times in a row at night. 
Mommy, the lights on! Mommy, the covers are off! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Or in Megahn's kid's case...I'm scared, Mommy, I'm scared. Of What? Of EVERYTHING! 

5. Cleaning Quinoa out of the parquet floorboards in your kitchen. 
Quinoa is a high class problem no matter how you slice it, but it’s still a problem.

6. When you’re kid wakes up five minutes before the alarm goes off in the morning and you spend 5 minutes arguing about how it’s not time to get up….and you argue UNTIL it’s time to wake up.

Then you just have to wake up anyway.

7. Eating Sardines to prove to your kid how delicious they are. 


If your kid will eat something good for them just because they see you do it. Fuck it, take one for the team     and eat a Sardine.

8. When your toddler wants to walk the dog with you. 
There is a special hell reserved for parents with dogs AND toddlers where you have to walk them everyday. Walking a toddler and a dog is not Megahn’s Happy place, but it's also not the "Apocalypse e Now" wartime scenario she has in her head, so Megahn needs to pull herself together and enjoy these small moments as they won't last forever. Pant. Pant. Pant. Or maybe it just sucks walking a dog and a kid at 6am. Either way.

9. Convincing another parent your kid is not an asshole. 
She’s just really tired.
She’s really hungry.
She’s just...sensitive. Or she’s an asshole toddler and everybody knows it.

10. Cleaning up whatever exploded inside your kid’s lunchbox.
We’d like to stick a go-pro into our kid’s lunch just to see what the hell is really going on here.
Gasp! Maybe it’s a ghost! Sigh...just something else for them to be afraid of.

Top 10 Pre-Parenthood Judgements And Declarations

1.Making judgments on parents before becoming a parent is now laughable to me. I don't judge the judgers. I was a judger. You just have NO IDEA what it's like to be a parent until you are one. I made endless declarations on the type of parent I would be. Some held true, but most were giant sacks of cluelessness. I am proud of my pre-parent-self for never getting mad at a baby or child on a flight, those people are dicks.

2. I will never let my child eat in the stroller, car, or ANYWHERE besides her highchair, or proper eating zone. The stains on our stroller and caked-in crumbs in the car seat crevasses will tell you otherwise.

3. My child will not listen to "kid" music, only "good" music. Nothing can prepare you for the joy you get from making your child happy. Sometimes that happiness comes in the form of listening to Wheels on the Bus 10,000 times in a row. And just an FYI, even the GREATEST song of all time can make you wanna blow your brains out after hearing it for the 4 billionth time.

4. No TV! Only classic films.  Good luck getting your kids to sit through The Godfather.

5. My child will sleep in her bed, all night, as soon as we get home from the hospital. This is the biggest lie I've ever told myself. It's currently 10:30pm and I've just gotten my daughter her 5th cup of water. I'm going to need to get one of those hamster water feeders and a litter box for her crib if I ever want to sit through an entire episode of Homeland again.

6. My birth will be a beautiful, magical experience in a bathtub with mantras playing in the background and sage burning. This happened in my dreams, it was magical. In reality I was screaming at the people in the operating room, after having been in labor for three days, to "please, for the love of God, do me this one fucking favor and at least play my birth playlist while you cut me open." Pretty sure there were some mantras on that.

7. What's up with these kids snacking all the time, no wonder we have an obesity problem in America. I have literally never left the house without a snack in my bag.

8. I didn't have iPads or dvd players on road trips as a kid, my kids don't need that. They need to be board sometimes. Not if it involves putting my sanity at risk.

9. I'm going to make all my own organic baby food. Okay, so it's actually kind of cheaper and easier, just don't make other moms feel bad if they don't have the time to do that. Don't be a douche about it.

10. I will have a clean child, who is bathed daily and brushes her teeth twice a day. If I had more time I would invent a cookie toothbrush that they could eat but it would actually be doing the job of teeth brushing. Shark Tank, here I come!

 

BONUS: 

My kid will be a well behaved angel in restaurants. Except for when they are throwing meatballs at your head or throwing a fit on the floor because you wouldn't let her put hummus in her ears.

Top 10 Ways To Relieve Working Mom Guilt

Ilana and Megahn are hoping this podcast will lead to their version of moving to Vermont and making baby food for a living, just like Diane Keaton in Baby Boom. Ilana is also hoping to bring back shoulder pads in a big way this year. The mom guilt we speak of doesn't only apply to mamas. Dads, you may feel it too, so for all of us, we've put together a comprehensive list of how to relieve said working parent guilt.

 


1. One delicious gallon of fresh organic, local ice-cream...because when it's organic it's basically a health food. -Ilana


2. What baby doesn't want to spend eight hours a day at a strangers...oh. Wait. -Megahn.


3. Remember that they're only this age once and money isn't everything...-Megahn


4. He's getting to experience new people and cultures while you slave away eight hours a day to pay for it when you could just go to the museum... - Megahn


At this point we take a recess in our top ten because Ilana and Megahn are both weeping in a giant puddle of tears. Ilana explains the rules of this top ten list again. Ways to RELIEVE working guilt, not hammer it home. Okay, back to business.

 
5. Adopt a pet. The neglect for that pet will far outweigh the neglect for the child, thus making it appear that you are a super parent.


6. When your one-year-old toddles over to the corner and puts herself in a "time out" after coming home from daycare, you get to hop on the phone and go ballistic on the care takers who gently inform you that your child has never had a "time-out." And when they explain that the kids who hit get sat between the care takers for no more than two minutes you get to take pride in the fact that your child is not a hitter.


7. Blame the other parent...we realize this isn't the best move for a united front.


8. Call your mom so she can remind you how completely fine you turned out.


9. Since the guilt will rip your soul out of your chest no matter what, you can be proactive by saving for therapy.


10. Spend a whole week not working, just taking care of your toddler. That'll do it. Time to go back to work!

Top Ten Fantasy Nap Spots

Although a “Pile of Lions” did not make this week’s top ten list, I do respect this woman…who is obviously a very tired mother of young children.

1. In the car, while stuck in traffic. Just beep twice to wake me up.​

2. Couch section at Cost Plus. If you don’t have a Cost Plus in your town you’re missing out.

3. A pack and play display at Babies R Us.

4. The couch in my boss’s office, while they’re working in their office.

5. In my boss’s office while pumping. Gotta take advantage of that glorious 20 minutes.

6. On the toilet at work. Feel free to rest your head on the Tampon dispenser like Megahn dreams about.

7. On the floor, with one hand on a baby, doing the baby jiggle.

8. Dog bed. . . it’s a bed after all! The fur provides extra comfort.

9. Padded bench at the museum as your baby stares at art comfortably from his stroller. Maybe just tether the stroller to your wrist so no art lovers run off with your baby.

10. In my fucking bed, all by myself, where no one is saying a goddamn word.

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